December 2006- Pregnancy #6

I'm not too sure where I want to start. There is sooo much to tell. Just a heads up, I'll probably jump from animated to very matter of fact based on my mood and recollection of the day or event. Time has a way of altering ones emotions. For example, I don't think about my losses much anymore, I don't feel the emptiness inside, I don't feel I've disappointed anyone. However, I cry about/at the most random things. Songs, billboards, idiot parents who don't take care of their children will bring tears to my eyes in a heartbeat. Our children are so precious and such a blessing and so many people just through them away as if they are simply a burden.........okay tangent over.

First, I should tell you that I have had so many ultrasounds I can typically see any concerns before the dr does..I know, crazy. So, I went in for my weekly ultrasound and looked at the monitor and my heart sank. I knew instantly that his was the day. I would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon. As the thought entered my mind the sonographer looked at me and said those exact words, “This is the day.” She told me to get dressed, that she would go consult with the doctor/nurse and that she would be right back with further instructions. As I waited my thoughts wandered from “It’s not that bad” to “Is this really happening” back to “Everything is going to be okay” and again to “No way, it is simply not possible.” Is it? Is it possible that this could be happening again? The thoughts flowing through my mind were endless. I was in disbelief. Can one person have this much bad luck? Did we catch it early enough this time? I began to cry and my heart felt as if someone had grabbed a hold of it, squeezed and would not let go.

To know that I was probably going to lose another chld was not something I wanted to deal with again. I knew going into the situation that it was a strong probability. I knew the chances were slim, but I had to try. I was not ready to give up.