Wednesday, March 25, 2009

-- Part One Cont.

I apologize, I will be sharing my story in bits and pieces--probably every couple days. But, I promise you will get the entire story!

I pulled myself together before the sonographer came back in the room. She told me that a nurse would be with me in a minute and that they were getting a room ready for me. The nurse came and I followed her to a room around the corner. She told me that they had called my doctor, that a specialist was reviewing the film and that someone would be back shortly with instructions.

So, there I sat alone in a hospital room designed for labor and delivery. I couldn’t decide if I should call my husband or not since I did not know for sure what the next step was going to be. Should I disrupt his workday? Did I want to upset him? Or, should I just wait until he left work? That would be best. It didn't make sense to upset him at this point. "I'll just call him after work and let him know I'm at the hospital," I thought. I then made arrangements for my daughter to get home from school. I called my employer to let them know I probably wouldn’t be in for the next few days or even months. I called my girlfriend and told her what was happening. I then decided that I should call my husband. He needed to know. He would want to know.

After making the necessary calls I cried again. It's amazing how one person's emotions can fluctuate so quickly. One minute I was calm and taking care of business and the next I could literally feel the deepest part of my stomach twist n turn in the type of knots I would not have thought possible. It was a bottomless longing for...something I cannot, to this day, describe. The best I can come up with is when you are a young, hurt or sick child and you want your mommy, except I didn't want my mommy. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted this time to be different, but I knew it wasn't.

I sat there thinking, “How can this be happening?” I’ve done everything I was supposed to. I took my vitamins, my B-complex supplement and baby aspirin. I administered weekly injections of Progesterone and daily injections of Lovenox. This was not suppose to happen. Not this time!!!

By the time the nurse came back I was ready. My moment of questioning, anger and disappointment subsided. I was ready. Ready to face the next day, week, month(s) or whatever was to come.

Monday, March 23, 2009

December 2006- Pregnancy #6

I'm not too sure where I want to start. There is sooo much to tell. Just a heads up, I'll probably jump from animated to very matter of fact based on my mood and recollection of the day or event. Time has a way of altering ones emotions. For example, I don't think about my losses much anymore, I don't feel the emptiness inside, I don't feel I've disappointed anyone. However, I cry about/at the most random things. Songs, billboards, idiot parents who don't take care of their children will bring tears to my eyes in a heartbeat. Our children are so precious and such a blessing and so many people just through them away as if they are simply a burden.........okay tangent over.

First, I should tell you that I have had so many ultrasounds I can typically see any concerns before the dr does..I know, crazy. So, I went in for my weekly ultrasound and looked at the monitor and my heart sank. I knew instantly that his was the day. I would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon. As the thought entered my mind the sonographer looked at me and said those exact words, “This is the day.” She told me to get dressed, that she would go consult with the doctor/nurse and that she would be right back with further instructions. As I waited my thoughts wandered from “It’s not that bad” to “Is this really happening” back to “Everything is going to be okay” and again to “No way, it is simply not possible.” Is it? Is it possible that this could be happening again? The thoughts flowing through my mind were endless. I was in disbelief. Can one person have this much bad luck? Did we catch it early enough this time? I began to cry and my heart felt as if someone had grabbed a hold of it, squeezed and would not let go.

To know that I was probably going to lose another chld was not something I wanted to deal with again. I knew going into the situation that it was a strong probability. I knew the chances were slim, but I had to try. I was not ready to give up.